On Accountability

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to listen to Brobriety and to reach out to tell me how much you enjoyed what we were doing. It truly meant the world to me to be able to be open and honest about sobriety, mental health, and vulnerability. As of this week I will not be continuing with that project and I wish Derek all the best in whatever path he chooses to take it going forward. We may not have been the biggest or best podcast in the world, but I will miss chatting with folks who are making a difference and helping others.

It’s on that last point that I’d like to focus, making a difference and helping others. If you choose to put yourself, your “online persona” out into the world as someone who is a positive force for change. As someone who supports men trying to break the shackles of toxic masculinity. As someone who is there to lift people up and support them through the excruciating journey of sobriety, then you need to own it. You need to be that person in every aspect of your life. Honestly, it’s something I struggle with daily, but I’m learning.

January 2nd 2021 was my 5 year sober anniversary. I felt a wave of love as people fell over themselves to congratulate me. 5 years is no joke, but it’s just the beginning. The things I’ve learned since my 4 year anniversary have been overwhelming, humbling, and eclipse the sum of everything I’d learned in my first 4 sober years.

There are a few things that helped me grow this year but one thing in particular stands out. Therapy. Therapy has opened my eyes to the shocking amount of denial I was still living in. Therapy allowed me to be honest with another human being in a way I’d never experienced before, and in turn I was honest with myself for the first time in my life. The stigma around men needing emotional and mental health support is very real, but it’s changing, slowly. Men being open and vulnerable should be normal.

What shouldn’t be normal is the casual misogyny I see every day. Men, your micro aggressions, your little jokes, your outright gaslighting to save face when you fuck up? That’s unacceptable, full stop. I’m not immune to it. I have, and will, make mistakes, but I own it, and I’m sure as hell not going to let it slide by when I see it from people I know. Own your missteps. Don’t run and hide. Surround yourself with people who hold you accountable. Apologize. MEAN IT.

The Sobriety lane of social media is a strange place. It’s full of accounts that seem to exist to repost what little original thought and content is actually being produced. It’s full of overwhelming positivity, which is great and very needed, but it’s not an accurate look at what sobriety is. That’s something I want to look at more in the future

So what’s next? I don’t know yet. I have some ideas and I really want to continue the work I was doing with the podcast. The messages I’ve received have been life changing, and I don’t use that phrase lightly. I’m going to focus on what’s important for a little bit before I jump into any new projects. Spend time with my family. Pet my dogs. Drink coffee.

Be well, I’ll see you all very soon.

Scott.

Why Me. Why Now.

I’ve been sober since January 2nd 2016. It blows my mind to think about how long that is. It’s also kind of depressing as I think about how quickly time is passing. Enjoy being young, life picks up speed at a terrifying rate.

My sobriety was just something in the background for over 4 years. I didn’t really talk about it. That all changed this year, but why? One reason is Big Daddy Rona, a global pandemic has a special way of pushing people to consume more substances that will help them escape reality. I figured if people see a guy like me, their former drinking buddy, living a good life “on the natch” maybe they could too.

Then there’s everyone who has reached out to me about their own struggles with addiction. Hearing your stories, sharing your pain with me, it tears me apart to know how many of you are suffering in silence. If sharing my story and being open to hear yours can help just one person, then all the discomfort of sharing some very personal, embarrassing things about myself with the world is worth it.

Do I worry if sharing so openly will come back to haunt me? Ya, I do, but that’s something I’m willing to face if it comes my way. I did some messed up stuff when I was drinking, so anything I do or say now doesn’t even come close. If someone has a problem with any of it, that’s on them. This is my story, and helping people is what I've been called to do.

Why now? Because it’s time. This is who I am, and I’m so damn proud of what I’ve overcome to get here.

Want to talk? Shoot me an email wflbcscott@gmail.com

Scott.

If Not Now, When?

Choosing to end something. Choosing to change your path. Choosing yourself.

Photo - Scott Graham

When I was a young boy I dreamed of the future. What would I be. Where would I live. What would being an adult be like? As I progressed through adolescence I started to let go of those childhood thoughts. I started to care more about what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself. Toxic masculinity and social pressures stole the dreams I had and replaced them with feelings of inadequacy. I played sports, I got in fights, I skipped school. I did all the things boys becoming men do to be cool.

Then my 19th birthday came around. In Canada 19 is the legal drinking age, and my dad couldn’t wait to take me for my first beer. Like most kids I’d drank before it was legal for me to do so, but buying their son a beer is something a lot of dads look forward to.

Photo - Scott Graham

Men are taught that drinking is manly. Being able to drink a lot is something we’re taught to be proud of. A “real man” can handle his liquor. In reality most men use alcohol to numb them from their own feelings of inadequacy. They drink, they shoot guns, they’re loud, overconfident, they drive fast, sometimes drunk, and it’s all for show. Puffing your chest out and stomping around trying to be the alpha male, I can confidently say that men you see acting this way are cripplingly unsure of themselves. Not all, sure, but most.

If you look at our neighbours in America and the man they’ve elected to lead them, you see how toxic masculinity can propel an incompetent buffoon in to a position of immense power. Toxic masculinity tells men that this person is what they can aspire to be. Loud, brash, uncensored, racist, sexist, answerable to no one. Under all the bluster is a shell of a man who uses intimidation and anger to overcome his own self doubt.

Photo - The Guardian

What does this have to do with anything? Everything.

Toxic masculinity is one of the biggest threats to modern society. Systemic racism, climate science denial, mistrust of educated experts, substance abuse, domestic violence, and so much more can be traced back to toxic masculinity.

Photo - Scott Graham

What can we do about it? First, call it out when you see it. Men are programmed by everything around them to think they are superior. Even if their life is in complete disarray they are taught that being a man (especially a white man) means that their struggles are someone else’s fault.

Second, if you’re a man who’s reading this and your first instinct is to brush it aside as bullshit, think about that reaction. Everything you’ve been taught will tell you that I’m wrong, but you have to unlearn what you have learned.

Being vulnerable. Showing emotion. Living free of masculine expectations. The dreams of my childhood are coming back to me, and for the first time I feel like I can achieve them. Maybe not in the same way I thought as a child, but the future feels like an empty notebook waiting for me to fill the pages with my story.

It’s never too late to change your path. It’s never too late to break free from the chains of toxic masculinity. When you love yourself for who you are, not for who you think you’re supposed to be, your life can truly begin.

If not now, when?

Scott.