I was a fun drunk. I was the life of the party. I was everyone’s best friend.
I was a fun drunk, until I wasn’t.
When I got to a certain point, I got mean. I was verbally abusive. I was violent. Most people never saw this version of me. He was reserved for those I claimed to love the most.
This is hard to write. My hands are shaking. I’m on the verge of tears. But it’s important, and it’s long overdue.
It looks like I only have a moustache here and I kind of like it…
Addiction affects the addicted, obviously, but those closest to the addict bear an unimaginable burden. That burden doesn’t disappear when an addict gets sober. The scars, the bruises, the horrible words, they all remain.
A lot of loved ones don’t stick around, and who could blame them? Living with an addict is hell, no matter how well they’re able to function on a daily basis.
This photo has nothing to do with this post, I just really love photographing the moon.
Those memories never leave the addict either. Being an addict isn’t a free pass to treat people like shit. I did those things. That was me. I’ll never forgive myself.
Being sober doesn’t undo the things you did as an addict. It’s a fresh start, a new beginning, a chance for redemption, but it’s not a magic eraser. You and your loved ones will carry your addiction and the things it did to all of you for the rest of your days.
Regret is a powerful thing. It sneaks up on you. Just like the memories your loved ones have of you when you were at your lowest. Accepting that they may never forgive you is something you may face. Accepting that they may never see you for anything but an addict is something you may face.
Sobriety is really fucking hard, but it’s worth all of the discomfort. You will lose things you didn’t expect to lose. You will learn things about yourself you didn’t want to learn. You will love things you never expected to love, and they will love you back.
But the most important thing? You will love yourself.
Scott.
Oh, and my new podcast launches today. Brobriety, with my good friend Derek, will tackle addiction, toxic masculinity, and a bunch of stuff you wouldn’t expect a couple of white suburban dads from the suburbs to talk about. Click on the picture below for a preview.
