If Not Now, When?

Choosing to end something. Choosing to change your path. Choosing yourself.

Photo - Scott Graham

When I was a young boy I dreamed of the future. What would I be. Where would I live. What would being an adult be like? As I progressed through adolescence I started to let go of those childhood thoughts. I started to care more about what other people thought of me than what I thought of myself. Toxic masculinity and social pressures stole the dreams I had and replaced them with feelings of inadequacy. I played sports, I got in fights, I skipped school. I did all the things boys becoming men do to be cool.

Then my 19th birthday came around. In Canada 19 is the legal drinking age, and my dad couldn’t wait to take me for my first beer. Like most kids I’d drank before it was legal for me to do so, but buying their son a beer is something a lot of dads look forward to.

Photo - Scott Graham

Men are taught that drinking is manly. Being able to drink a lot is something we’re taught to be proud of. A “real man” can handle his liquor. In reality most men use alcohol to numb them from their own feelings of inadequacy. They drink, they shoot guns, they’re loud, overconfident, they drive fast, sometimes drunk, and it’s all for show. Puffing your chest out and stomping around trying to be the alpha male, I can confidently say that men you see acting this way are cripplingly unsure of themselves. Not all, sure, but most.

If you look at our neighbours in America and the man they’ve elected to lead them, you see how toxic masculinity can propel an incompetent buffoon in to a position of immense power. Toxic masculinity tells men that this person is what they can aspire to be. Loud, brash, uncensored, racist, sexist, answerable to no one. Under all the bluster is a shell of a man who uses intimidation and anger to overcome his own self doubt.

Photo - The Guardian

What does this have to do with anything? Everything.

Toxic masculinity is one of the biggest threats to modern society. Systemic racism, climate science denial, mistrust of educated experts, substance abuse, domestic violence, and so much more can be traced back to toxic masculinity.

Photo - Scott Graham

What can we do about it? First, call it out when you see it. Men are programmed by everything around them to think they are superior. Even if their life is in complete disarray they are taught that being a man (especially a white man) means that their struggles are someone else’s fault.

Second, if you’re a man who’s reading this and your first instinct is to brush it aside as bullshit, think about that reaction. Everything you’ve been taught will tell you that I’m wrong, but you have to unlearn what you have learned.

Being vulnerable. Showing emotion. Living free of masculine expectations. The dreams of my childhood are coming back to me, and for the first time I feel like I can achieve them. Maybe not in the same way I thought as a child, but the future feels like an empty notebook waiting for me to fill the pages with my story.

It’s never too late to change your path. It’s never too late to break free from the chains of toxic masculinity. When you love yourself for who you are, not for who you think you’re supposed to be, your life can truly begin.

If not now, when?

Scott.